So, what is my drug? What makes me feel good when the going gets tough? What helps me faster than anything to get that high, that numbness, that sense of calm and relief?
The answer… pornography and masturbation.
Last night I went to bed feeling completely hopeless. And I woke up this morning feeling the same way. I felt like a zombie all day long, as though anything that mattered in the world was completely gone. And I couldn’t find God. I couldn’t bring myself to go to Him. And as the day went, the more tempted I became. Old memories, flashes of images I’d just assume forget, constantly popped up in my mind.
I kept trying to block out the idea, especially after getting home. But as I got on my computer to check my email, those thoughts seemed to pound upon me. I finished looking up my email, replied where necessary, looked at my blog for a moment, and then pushed my laptop away. It just seemed to put a trance on me though. I knew how easy it would be. I knew I wanted to. I knew it’d make the pain go away. I put my hand up on the screen to close my laptop, but it just sort of sat there. I couldn’t bring myself to turn it off, to run, to flee. And then my hand was back on the mouse pad. I froze. I couldn’t bring myself to go ahead in either direction. And I started crying and praying and yet those images and the pain kept darting across my mind. I prayed for God to give me a way out. My heart was pounding, I was breathing deeply, and before God could ever do that, my fingers started working and I was looking up pornography. And then that led to masturbation.
An hour and a half later I seem to be thinking much more clearly than I was. For starters, I know I never should have got on my computer feeling as tempted as I was. And I should have done more throughout the day to reach out to God. I’m not going to make any excuses for myself. After five days of living without these things, I had to give in just for a few moments of good feelings? No. I took a cheap, sleazy, quick way out, instead doing what I should have done.
And so now that I’ve fallen, I will have to pick myself back up (more like God will have to drag me up), dust off, look back ahead down that long, narrow road, and start treading along once more.